


try try try

by zannen



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous Relationships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Love, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild Smut, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Other: See Story Notes, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:05:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9449426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zannen/pseuds/zannen
Summary: Getting back in touch with his first love was easier, in theory, when Baekhyun thought Kyungsoo hadn't loved him back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling a little dissatisfied with the writing I'd been putting out, so a friend reminded me of the tried and true advice of "write what you know." This, apparently, is what I know.
> 
> The timeline is a little weird, and the amount of research I put into this was admittedly minimal, but I wrote and rewrote 24 pages in around four days, then quickly slapped on a title that I stole from a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ecvx3eNawk8).
> 
> I'm putting all spoilery pairings and added explanations of existing tags in the end notes. Skip down to those if you're wary at all.

There’s something incredibly surreal about the words _Do Kyungsoo has sent you a friend request_. It feels both sudden and long overdue, strange yet appropriate. A name he hasn’t seen in years. One he could almost say he’d forgotten, but not really; the memory of Kyungsoo was always there at the back of his mind, he thinks.

Baekhyun stares at the notification for a minute before hitting _accept_ , not entirely sure why he hesitated in the first place. There’s no reason for him to be so afraid of a guy he had a silly unrequited crush on years ago. Plus, it could be nice to reconnect as adults, now that they aren’t embarrassing and awful teenagers. They could have a meaningful friendship, maybe, if that’s what Kyungsoo’s after. Or just have a nostalgic chat about how silly they used to be, get up to date on the goings-on of each other’s lives, and then not talk again for another handful of years.

He wanders away from his laptop for a while, makes a bowl of ramyun with spicy tuna and some of the kimchi his mom made him take back with him the last time he visited. It smells like home. Mongryong whines at his feet, begging for anything his owner might be willing to give up.

“It’s too spicy for you, silly,” Baekhyun murmurs, looking at the corgi with faint exasperation. “And aren’t spicy things poisonous to dogs anyway?”

Mongryong barks. Baekhyun sighs and goes to fetch the bag of treats as a consolation.

He makes his way back to his desk with food in hand. Jongdae always says he’s a slob for eating in front of his computer and getting nasty food residue on his screen and keyboard. But Jongdae also criticizes him for walking around naked half the day, so clearly Jongdae is just an uptight prude who hates fun and happiness. And letting his junk breathe, probably.

One mouthful of not-quite-soggy-but-almost noodles later, he looks at his screen and sees an unread message notification. The preview window says it’s from Kyungsoo. Baekhyun’s heart skips a little. His whole body vibrates with a weird and nervous kind of energy as he opens it.

_Hey! I wasn’t sure you’d accept my request. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?_

Baekhyun licks his lips, flexes his fingers before typing out a response.

_It has!! And I wasn’t expecting you to send a request in the first place, so it’s surprising all around I guess ^^_

The little typing animation shows up. Somehow, the knowledge that they’re talking in real time makes him a little flustered.

 _Ah, well, I’ve been feeling sentimental lately, I guess,_ says Kyungsoo. Then a second message: _I found some of our old letters and wondered what you were up to._

Letters? Oh, god. Baekhyun groans. He’d forgotten about those.

Writing letters was already an old-fashioned thing at the time, even when they were in school. But Kyungsoo always was a bit of an old man at heart. They met in the winter, then spent an entire year keeping in touch almost exclusively via mail—the last year of high school. Then they moved to email, then stopped altogether. Baekhyun doesn’t remember who sent the last reply. He doesn’t think it matters.

_Waaaah, I can’t believe you still have those!! @@ I think mine are in a box in my old room back home… hm. Anyway, things are a little boring now, I think? I have a business degree and a puppy. One’s nicer to have than the other, hehe~ But what about you? Are you still in Seoul?_

_✓ Seen 18:42_. No sign of typing. Baekhyun frowns a little and goes back to his food, checks Instagram on his phone, comments on Yixing’s latest dance video with an obnoxious number of hearts and kissy faces. He almost chokes on an ambitious mouthful of ramyun, and Mongryong makes concerned noises as he coughs and guzzles water.

Still no reply from Kyungsoo. Baekhyun makes to close the tab, but then the typing symbol appears. He freezes, waiting.

_I’ve been back for a few months, yeah. And I’m not surprised that you have a dog. You used to complain all the time about your mom’s cats. ^^_

He’s not wrong there. But Baekhyun had good reason to be annoyed. Those cats were little demons, always yowling at him and scratching at his ankles. The older one’s passed away, but the one that’s left still terrorizes him when he visits. Mongryong doesn’t try to make him suffer, at least. He’s too dumb to be malicious.

There’s something weird about what Kyungsoo said, though. Back? When had he ever left? Before Baekhyun can ask, there’s another message.

_I don’t know where you’re living right now or what your schedule’s like, but if you find yourself in or near Gangnam in the near future, we should catch up over lunch or something._

Gangnam is close. _Really_ close. Baekhyun tries not to come off as too eager, but then he finds himself responding immediately with _Sure!!! I’m free this weekend actually!!_ and loses all hope in himself.

“Why am I like this, Mongryong?” he whines to the corgi, who blinks up at him. “It’s just some guy I liked when I was a kid. Why am I such a mess?”

Mongryong just yawns and rests his head back on the floor, indifferent to Baekhyun’s minor crisis.

“Heartless,” Baekhyun says, fake-sniffling.

He and Kyungsoo agree to meet on Sunday. It’s a little weird, and Baekhyun has half a mind to invite Chanyeol along, too, to ease some of the tension and take the pressure off, make things more casual. It wasn’t like the two were strangers; they’d been well enough acquainted back in high school that it wouldn’t come _completely_ out of left field for Baekhyun to have Chanyeol come with him. Yet some selfish part of him wants to keep Kyungsoo to himself. He reasons that it makes more sense like this anyway; theirs had always been more of a private friendship, even during that first winter when they barely knew each other. If it’s awkward, he’ll just deal with that.

Mostly he just hopes that Kyungsoo never noticed his weird, pathetic crush. And even if he did, he probably doesn’t remember. Unless—unless the letters were as transparent as Baekhyun suspects they were. He pales, staring at his screen in sudden horror.

It’s fine. Kyungsoo’s always been tactful, he tells himself. He wouldn’t bring up something like that anyway, not even to have a laugh at teenage Baekhyun’s expense.

Or so Baekhyun hopes.

 

\--

 

Because Baekhyun had purposely _not_ creeped on Kyungsoo’s profile before they met up, he isn’t completely sure what to expect. So when a man walks up to him with short hair, slightly round cheeks, and a bright grin—no longer scrawny and fluffy and frightened-looking—Baekhyun almost doesn’t recognize him. Then he hears, “Baekhyun?” and god, he’d know that voice anywhere.

Baekhyun tries not to gape, but Kyungsoo is right in front of him and he looks so impossibly _good_. He’d always looked good, of course, especially in Baekhyun’s eyes, but now his face has matured, the proportions fitting a bit better. Strong brow, soft eyes, charming smile. Handsome. Not just a skinny, frail-looking, wide-eyed kid. Even if Baekhyun had kind of loved that kid at the time.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says maybe a second too late.

If his slowness bothers Kyungsoo, it doesn’t show. Kyungsoo brightens that much more, and suddenly they’re hugging, and if Baekhyun thought that getting a message from his old friend after years of radio silence was surreal, then getting a hug from him feels like something straight out of his weirdest fever dream. He hears himself laugh, happy and more than a little shocked. Kyungsoo smells like nice dry-cleaning and a subtle, woodsy cologne. His embrace is solid and secure. Baekhyun’s pulse turns slightly frantic. He hopes he isn’t blushing.

When they part, Kyungsoo just looks at him for a second, eyes narrowing, then says accusingly, “You’re blond.”

“You’re—” The automatic response of _still short_ dies in Baekhyun’s throat. Instead, he says, “You look nice. Healthy.”

Kyungsoo’s expression softens. “Thanks. You too.” He tilts his head toward the door of the restaurant. “Hungry?”

The next ten or fifteen minutes go by in a blur. Baekhyun is so flustered that he’s barely conscious of what he says as they make pleasant small talk. He realizes at one point that he must have either made a joke or said something stupid, because Kyungsoo’s eyes crinkle and he giggles cutely, in a way that leaves Baekhyun feeling a bit helpless with infatuation. The same kind of desperately fond reaction he would have when he read Kyungsoo’s letters as a teenager, all tender and anxious and warm. And it’s not the ideal kind of reaction to have to the guy’s smile, really, because he didn’t come here to fall back in love with his ridiculous adolescent crush.

Baekhyun feels a little more grounded when their food comes out, a little more sane. There’s a brief lull as they start eating, lapsing into an almost comfortable silence. The buljjajang tastes like heaven. If Baekhyun had any sense, he’d save all his tender feelings for the plate of noodles instead. That, at least, wouldn’t lead to awkwardness and heartbreak.

Kyungsoo gets Baekhyun talking about his life for a while—university, friends, work, his family. Baekhyun carefully avoids talking about his disastrous love life, even if the story of the last date he went on is admittedly kind of hilarious.

“What’ve you been up to, though?” Baekhyun asks. “I asked everyone else if they’d heard from you in the past few years, and they all said you’d fallen out of touch.”

Kyungsoo’s face falls a little. He stares down at the table. “I forgot that I never actually told you. I… My dad died near the end of my first year. Pancreatic cancer. Really sudden.”

“Oh.” Baekhyun’s stomach clenches. “I’m—shit, I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No, it’s—fine now. Just a little weird to talk about.” He huffs out a laugh, dry and humorless. “It feels like forever ago.” He meets Baekhyun’s eye again and looks more composed, not so lost as he did moments before. “I almost flunked out of my classes. I was never a good student anyway, so it was kind of a nightmare. I decided to take a break, do my military service, see if that would—I don’t know. Help me sort things out. It did, a little.”

“What’d you do after that?”

“Moved back in with my mom, in Ilsan. Took online classes to finish my degree. Oh—I took up painting.” His laugh is more genuine this time. “I’m not very good at it, but it’s mostly a sentimental thing anyway. My dad was an artist, so it helps me feel closer to him.”

“I remember that,” says Baekhyun. “About your dad being an artist, I mean. You sent me pictures of some of his work, I think.” He drums his fingers on the table, trying to remember. “One of them was an old shrine, right? In the winter?”

The pleased look on Kyungsoo’s face makes Baekhyun feel inordinately proud of himself. “Yeah. That was one of his favorites. But I always liked—”

“Mount Fuji,” Baekhyun finishes, the memory coming back to him, “from his trip to Japan when you were little.”

“I’m amazed you even remember that,” says Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “It was in one of your first letters,” he says. “I think it stood out because I was so fucking weirded out by someone sending me actual printed photos in the mail. Like a mom sending updates to some extended relative.”

Kyungsoo laughs and buries his face in his hands. “Oh _god_.”

“Your letters were really long, too. With kind of small writing.” Baekhyun’s laughing now, too. “I was so freaked out. Nobody sends _letters_ , Kyungsoo, what the fuck.”

“It was so stupid,” Kyungsoo agrees. He straightens, his face pink and still lit up with a mortified kind of amusement. “I don’t even know—ahh, jeez. I think I thought it was romantic or something, sending letters back and forth. But it was just old-fashioned and weird. My hand cramped like crazy.”

 _Romantic_. Baekhyun feels a sudden surge of panic. He kind of wants to throw up. Trying not to seem visibly alarmed and confused, he composes himself and says, “I mean, I got used to it. It—it was kind of cute, I guess?” He’s not sure if that was the right word to say. Quaint? Endearing? Fuck.

“Yeah, because at eighteen my goal was to seem _cute_ ,” Kyungsoo says dryly. Lips curl into a faint smile. “I tried way too hard to impress you. Looking back, it was all just embarrassing.”

Baekhyun feels like he’s missing something extremely important here. That or he’s dreaming. Dreams make a lot of logical leaps and bounds, right? That would explain a lot. Because this can’t be real. What Kyungsoo’s saying doesn’t make any sense.

“Well, it worked, at least,” Baekhyun says uncertainly.

Kyungsoo looks amused. “Yeah, true. I wasn’t sacrificing my dignity in vain.” He glances at his watch. “I have a little more time after this. Do you want to grab coffee, maybe?”

Baekhyun kind of hates coffee, but he nods and says, “Sure.” Then adds, “Somewhere you have to be?”

“Just meeting Sehun when he’s done with work. His brother just got engaged, so it’s—”

“Sehun?” Baekhyun interrupts, confused.

Kyungsoo’s mouth falls open a little, eyes widening. “Oh—um, my boyfriend,” he says. “I thought I mentioned—I really can’t keep my facts straight, can I?” He sighs. “Anyway, I think the two of you would get along, actually. Granted, he’s a little shy, but you’re good at getting people to warm up to you quickly.”

Baekhyun’s brain short-circuited at the word _boyfriend_. He forces a smile. “Right. You should introduce us sometime.”

They stop for coffee after that—or, well, Kyungsoo gets coffee; Baekhyun opts for tea, claiming he shouldn’t have caffeine too late. Kyungsoo accepts the excuse, mentioning something about Baekhyun’s problems with insomnia years ago, which he shouldn’t even remember but somehow does. Kyungsoo remembers Baekhyun’s weird sleeping habits. Kyungsoo remembers the names of Baekhyun’s mom’s cats, and how the tabby would sometimes piss on his clothes. Kyungsoo remembers that Baekhyun is afraid of heights.

Kyungsoo has a boyfriend.

It’s only after they part ways, numbers exchanged and promises made to see each other again, that Baekhyun has a sudden inkling of that thing he was missing before, that vitally important context for the earlier conversation. He calls his mom to let her know he’s visiting next weekend.

 

\--

 

Baekhyun finds the box while his mom argues on the phone with his aunt, knowing she’ll probably be occupied for a while. He goes through the letters in order. It’s only one side of the conversation, but fortunately, Kyungsoo was anything but concise in his replies. His responses were thorough and thoughtful. Even quoted from Baekhyun’s letters at times. Baekhyun feels a burst of affection. The guy really was an adorable little nerd, he thinks.

The pictures are still there, too: a few printed shots of his father’s paintings, scenery from a holiday on Jeju, his mom making kimchi. There’s writing on the back of each one with a date and short commentary.

It’s all fairly innocuous, and the first few letters take a while to get through. Baekhyun starts to get frustrated, wondering if he imagined the thing he’s thinking of, but then he finds something.

_I wasn’t ignoring that part of your letter on purpose. I just didn’t know what to say. Handsome? I’ve never thought of myself that way. And seeing you call me that made me… shy? Ahh, it sounds silly when I say it, haha. But I think the same about you. You have a really nice smile. I like a lot of things about you, but your smile is my favorite. It’s pretty. Confident. You always seem confident, and you always know what to say. I envy that about you, Baekhyun. I’m too quiet sometimes, and I have to squint a lot because of my eyesight, so people think I’m angry at them. But it’s that or glasses, and with those I’m even further from handsome, ha. I’m not sure “cute” is right, either. I don’t think I’m sweet enough to be cute. You definitely are. You’re a lot of things I don’t think I can be._

Kyungsoo felt shy because Baekhyun complimented him? He keeps reading but finds nothing noteworthy in the rest of the letter. The next couple have the barest hints of flirtatiousness, shy and restrained, like something he was trying out for the first time. Then Baekhyun finds this:

_Mom said she’s never seen me light up as much as I do when I get mail now. I’m smiling more, she says. I wasn’t unhappy before or anything, but I didn’t express myself as much, I guess. Talking to you just makes me feel… warm. Like—this is going to sound really lame and cheesy, okay, but—like the sun is always shining whenever I’m reading your letters. Even at night. Sometimes I wish we could talk face-to-face instead, but I think I would get too nervous. I could barely look you in the eye in January, did you notice? You were so cool and confident and funny, and I felt so awkward. Then you held my hand when we went to meet Chanyeol at the river, and I was… happy. Really happy. I didn’t know another person could make me feel that way._

Holy shit.

Holy _shit_.

There’s more stuff like that in the last few letters, too; shy and earnest and slightly too sincere, heart on his sleeve, so obviously affectionate without ever saying explicitly how he felt. And if Baekhyun’s own letters were even _half_ as soppy, then—

Baekhyun sneaks into his dad’s office, ignoring the sound of bickering from down the hall. He boots up the desktop computer and signs into his old email account, taking only two attempts to get the password right. Sad how he always uses a variation of the same thing.

It only takes a quick search through his inbox to find the message thread with Kyungsoo. He mostly skims now, less nostalgic and more frantic. He finds what he’s looking for in one of his own messages, from September of their first year of university.

_Do you ever wonder about us, Kyungsoo? About what might’ve happened? And do you regret that nothing did?_

There’s no ambiguity there. Baekhyun’s heart aches.

Kyungsoo’s reply: _That makes it sound like it’s too late. I don’t think it is. Maybe the timing was just bad before. There’s always time to find out, Baekhyun._

Baekhyun had replied to that, saying, _Can that time be now?_ And Kyungsoo… had never answered.

The pieces all click together. Baekhyun’s feelings hadn’t been one-sided. Kyungsoo had felt the same way. But there was his father, and then the military, and then a few years passed without Baekhyun hearing from him at all. He’d rewritten the memories somehow, made it seem like Kyungsoo had _never_ reciprocated, because maybe that hurt less than thinking he had changed his mind. Kyungsoo had liked him. Maybe loved him.

Kyungsoo.

Who has a boyfriend.

Baekhyun signs out of his account, then stares blankly at the monitor until his mom calls for him.

“We’re going out for dinner when your father gets home,” she says when he enters the kitchen. “You can choose the restaurant, but nothing too expensive, understand?”

Baekhyun nods.

His mother eyes him critically. “What’s that look?”

He bites the inside of his cheek. “Nothing,” he says. “Couldn’t find the thing I was looking for.”

She pats his head. “Look harder. I bet it’s there somewhere.” She clucks her tongue. “Now take your dog for a walk or something. He’s been harassing my poor baby all day.”

“I’m your _actual_ baby, and you don’t care about _me_ getting harassed,” he mutters. She raises her eyebrows. “Okay, okay, I’ll take care of it. Mongryong!”

Mongryong skitters into the room on his tiny legs, tongue lolling as he pants excitedly, like he’s just happy Baekhyun called him. At least Baekhyun can count on his dog to always love him unconditionally.

A few minutes into their walk around Baekhyun’s old neighborhood, he pauses and fishes his phone out of his pocket to text Chanyeol.

_So Kyungsoo was really into me??_

The response doesn’t take long, since Chanyeol is practically glued to his phone most of the time.

_Uh, no shit? Where’ve you been?_

Baekhyun scowls.

 _I forgot, okay!!! I thought it was unrequited!!!_ _ㅠㅠ_

Then a series of texts from Chanyeol:

_Hahahahahahahahaha oh my god_

_No, you guys were pretty much married_

_Like you never said you were dating but we all knew you were kinda dating_

_I was really surprised when he broke your heart, or whatever the fuck happened. You were hella depressed. Said you’d never find love again_

_But then like a month later you started dating Kim Taeyeon?? So I guess you were okay_

Oh. God, all of that really did happen. He has a faint memory of lying in bed, watching dramas and crying while eating yogurt. No wonder he blocked that out.

He tells Chanyeol, _Anyway, he wants me to be friends with his boyfriend I guess?_

Chanyeol’s immediate _NO,_ fully capitalized and in English, is a little startling. After a moment, he follows up with, _In what universe is that a good idea, Baek. Don’t do this. It’s gonna be terrible and you’ll die._

 _You’re being dramatic_ , says Baekhyun, though he can’t help but think Chanyeol might be right.

 

\--

 

They see each other again a month later, this time in a group. Kyungsoo brings the infamous Sehun, and Baekhyun brings Jongdae, because Chanyeol is an unreliable shit (and, admittedly, because Jongdae has a talent for talking shit about people right to their face without them even realizing, a skill that could come in handy now). They all go out for drinks.

Nothing could possibly go wrong.

When they meet Sehun, Jongdae mutters a quiet “ _Jesus Christ_ ” in Baekhyun’s ear. Tall. Broad-shouldered. Lean. A naturally haughty look on his face, like a model. Well-dressed enough to be one, too. No fucking wonder Kyungsoo wants a piece of that, Baekhyun thinks, dismayed. Even Baekhyun kind of wants to sleep with Sehun, and he’s predisposed to _hate_ him.

But that’s unfair. He should give this friendship thing a chance. Kyungsoo wants them to get along, which means Kyungsoo must want Baekhyun back in his life, right? So he should try to like Sehun. For Kyungsoo’s sake.

It’s hard to get to know Sehun at all, though, when all Baekhyun wants to do is talk to Kyungsoo, to make Kyungsoo smile and laugh, to listen to Kyungsoo’s voice. That should be a red flag. He should stop now before he does something stupid or gets his hopes up. Definitely. Absolutely.

His common sense fails him. Jongdae has Sehun’s full attention as he tells a story about one of their parties in college, which means Baekhyun is free to talk to Kyungsoo. So he does.

“I found your letters,” he says.

Kyungsoo pauses, glass held to his lips. He lowers it slowly. “Yeah?” he says, his round eyes full of curiosity.

“Yeah,” says Baekhyun. “They were, uh.”

“Embarrassing? Don’t say they weren’t,” Kyungsoo says, cutting Baekhyun off before he can disagree. “I remember some of the things I wrote. I think I was even embarrassed about it at the time.”

“I don’t remember any of what I wrote,” Baekhyun confesses. “Was it really bad? Did you cringe the entire time you were rereading them?”

Kyungsoo looks thoughtful, sipping his beer slowly and pursing his lips. After a while, he says, “It was sweet. I could remember what it was like when I was reading them for the first time. None of it made me cringe then. It made me happy.” He smiles. Baekhyun is in love with the apples of his cheeks. “So it’s not cringeworthy now, either. Just a nice memory.”

“Oh,” says Baekhyun. He wants to say something in return, except he’s not sure how to express how the contents of Kyungsoo’s letters made him forget how to breathe for a minute because of the sheer overwhelming adoration, at least in a way that’s appropriate when they’re at a bar with Kyungsoo’s fucking boyfriend.

Jongdae pinches his leg. Baekhyun whirls around, a _what the fuck_ on the tip of his tongue, but Jongdae quickly says, “Baek, tell him about the blind date with Junmyeon-hyung’s ex.”

Baekhyun blinks, looks over at Sehun, who’s watching him with expectant eyes. He laughs awkwardly and says, “Oh, ha, yeah,” then launches into the story.

He follows Jongdae into the bathroom five minutes later, after the man gives him a number of significant glances. The moment the door closes, Jongdae fixes him with a serious look.

“You seriously need to get your shit together,” says Jongdae.

“What? What happened?”

“You. Making eyes at Kyungsoo. Who’s _taken_.”

Baekhyun’s face grows hot. “I’m not making eyes at anyone!”

Jongdae’s expression is unmoved. “You’re not a good liar, Baek.”

“I’m—” Baekhyun stops and huffs. He lowers his voice. “Look, it’s harmless, alright? It doesn’t matter if I give him—longing glances or whatever. At the end of the night, he’s still going home with some perfect guy and probably—”

“Kyungsoo’s been making eyes right back at you,” Jongdae interrupts.

Baekhyun flounders, speechless. A weird shudder goes through his stomach.

“It’s not harmless,” says Jongdae, his tone firm but not angry. “You need to stop. This isn’t high school, and Kyungsoo isn’t yours anymore. You need to stop looking at him like he’s the only person in the room—or in the goddamn universe. It’s obviously giving him ideas. Ones he doesn’t need.”

“But—”

“They _live_ together, Baekhyun.” Jongdae lets out a heavy breath and runs a hand through his hair. “I know it sucks. I _know_. But Chanyeol was right when he said this was a bad idea. And I don’t just mean meeting Sehun.” He gives Baek a horrifyingly sympathetic look. “Don’t put yourself through this.”

A frustrated noise rises from the back of Baekhyun’s throat. He knows Jongdae’s right. He probably can’t be friends with Kyungsoo; no matter who they both are now, to him, Kyungsoo will always be that boy he grew to love that winter when he stayed with his grandmother in Seoul. And maybe Kyungsoo feels the same way. Except Kyungsoo can’t really afford to have those feelings. Not in his position. Not when he’s spoken for and… happy. Happy with someone who isn’t Baekhyun.

Baekhyun doesn’t cry. Instead, he moves forward and kisses Jongdae, because he’s there and it’s familiar and he doesn’t know what else to do. Jongdae’s mouth is warm and his breath tastes like soju and Baekhyun is not in love with him. Jongdae kisses back, patient, understanding. Cups Baekhyun’s face gently and pulls away, pressing his lips to Baekhyun’s forehead.

“You’ll be okay,” Jongdae murmurs. He presses their mouths together again, only briefly. “Are you good to go back out there, or should I tell them you’re sick?”

Baekhyun sniffs. “I’m fine. You don’t have to baby me.”

“Aw, but you make it so easy with that cute face,” Jongdae coos, patting his cheek.

They head back to the table. Kyungsoo gives Baekhyun a strange look, making him wonder if it’s obvious he kissed Jongdae, if Kyungsoo knows and is jealous. He shakes the thought away. They’re not playing that game, he tells himself.

He turns to Sehun with his most charming grin. “So, Sehun,” he says. “Kyungsoo said you speak Chinese?”

Sehun looks surprised at first, then hesitant. “A little. Not fluently yet.”

Baekhyun hums. “A couple of my friends are Chinese, and they taught me some phrases back in university.”

“Dirty ones, mostly,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes.

“Only because those were the ones I asked about,” Baekhyun adds.

He and Sehun are giggling like old friends by the time the night is over, and promising to meet up again, because Baekhyun doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. And Kyungsoo keeps giving Baekhyun this wary, indecipherable look, but it doesn’t matter.

Baekhyun drags Jongdae back home with him, and it’s handjobs on the couch like they’re twenty-one again. Baekhyun still doesn’t cry, even though Jongdae keeps looking at him like he might, or like he’s already crying. He doesn’t say anything, at least, and they kiss until they shouldn’t anymore and fall asleep next to each other on Baekhyun’s bed.

 

\--

 

“Okay, so wait.” Chanyeol furrows his brow. “You and Kyungsoo both almost definitely still have a thing for each other, but Kyungsoo’s dating some really hot guy, so your solution was… to fuck Jongdae? Dude,” he says disapprovingly. He nudges Baekhyun’s ankle with his foot.

“We didn’t fuck,” says Baekhyun. He kicks back.

“Not until the next morning,” says Jongdae, eyes closed as he lounges on Chanyeol’s couch so he can’t see Baekhyun glaring daggers at him from the floor.

“First of all, what the fuck.” Chanyeol looks between them with disgust. “Is this gonna be a thing? Am I third-wheeling it from now on?”

Baekhyun sighs. “Chanyeol, we lived together for four years,” he says. “Jongdae and I were screwing around for two of those. Where honestly the fuck were you for all of this?”

“Deep in denial, probably. Or wearing earplugs.” Jongdae cracks an eye open and looks over at Chanyeol, then snickers. “The look on your face right now, Yeol, I swear.”

“Like he thinks we’re about to start getting it on right in front of him,” says Baekhyun.

“Oh, Baekhyun, you stallion,” Jongdae monotones, closing his eyes again and sinking even further into the cushions. “Take me now. I need your gargantuan cock.”

“Get ready for the dicking of a lifetime,” says Baekhyun, voice cracking midway through as he yawns.

“A, that’s not funny and I’m a little traumatized right now,” says Chanyeol. “It’s not even about it being two dudes. It’s both of you, specifically, and the fact that you’re talking about Baekhyun’s dick, which you _know_ I hate.” He makes a face. “And B, your problem-solving skills suck.”

Unimpressed, Baekhyun asks, “Then what should I do, O wise one? Be a homewrecker?”

“Proposition them for a threesome or something? God, I don’t know. Literally anything would be better than hanging out with them and moping about it and then fucking one of your best friends, man.” He glances at Jongdae. “No offense. Actually, no, _full_ offense. Get better standards, Baek.”

“Eat me,” says Jongdae.

Baekhyun scoffs. “I’m not asking anyone for a threesome, that’s ridiculous.”

“Really?” Jongdae says. “I would.”

“ _Dude_ ,” Baekhyun says.

“What? They’re both hot. It’s not the _worst_ idea Chanyeol’s ever had.” He scratches his thigh and shifts around. “And maybe sleeping with Kyungsoo would give you closure or something.”

“Or it would make things even worse? Are you guys even listening to yourselves?” Baekhyun says, incredulous. “I’m not asking my _first love_ and his _boyfriend_ for a threesome. That’s weird and I hate both of you for suggesting it.”

“If you hate me, does that mean the honeymoon’s over? Darn,” Jongdae says with the tone of someone who’s never cared less about anything in his life. “Who’s supposed to plow my proverbial fields now?”

Chanyeol just makes a noise of pure disgust.

“Listen.” Jongdae pushes himself up into a sitting position. “In all seriousness, you should just tell him the truth. Say you don’t think you can be friends with all the weird lingering feelings between you two. He’ll get it. He’ll probably even agree, Baek.”

Baekhyun’s silent for a moment, mulling it over. Then he says, “I actually liked the threesome idea better.”

Jongdae groans. “You’re being so difficult. Just be honest about your fucking feelings.”

“I’m gonna do the opposite of that,” says Baekhyun. “I’m gonna keep pretending nothing’s wrong forever, and then someday I’ll die and it won’t be a problem anymore.”

“Genius. Truly a foolproof plan.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, alright?” Baekhyun snaps. “I don’t wanna just cut him out of my life. If seeing him means being friends with Sehun and seeing them together all the time, then I’ll just keep doing that. What other option do I have?”

They fall silent, at least until Chanyeol grumbles, “I should never have introduced you two.”

Baekhyun snorts. “You shouldn’t have introduced us by saying we both liked dick and telling us to bond over it, idiot.”

“I didn’t know how else to react to him coming out to me!” Chanyeol says defensively. “I already knew you liked guys, I figured you could help him or something! Or—you know.”

“Date,” Jongdae fills in.

“Yeah, sure,” says Chanyeol. “That.”

“Why were you into him in the first place, anyway?” Jongdae asks. “I can understand the appeal _now_ , but he was just a tiny awkward geek back then.”

Baekhyun squirms. “I dunno, he was just—”

 

\--

 

“—really cute,” he groaned, hitting his head on the table repeatedly. “He’s so cute, Chanyeol, why did you have to introduce me to your wonderful cute neighbor?”

Chanyeol’s eyebrows disappeared into his fringe. “Kyungsoo? I mean, he’s okay for a guy, I guess, but.”

“He has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in my life,” Baekhyun mumbled. “Like… some weird majestic owl. I really like him.”

“Huh.” Chanyeol cocked his head to the side. “He kind of does look like an owl, doesn’t he?”

Baekhyun stopped banging his head against the table to look up at Chanyeol with wide, hopeful eyes. “Do you think he likes me?”

“I dunno. I mean it’s been like… a couple weeks?” Chanyeol shrugged. “So maybe. You should ask him.”

“No. I’d rather set myself on fire.”

“If you like him so much, why are—”

“I _will_ , however,” said Baekhyun, “see if he wants to keep in touch when school starts again. As friends. Or whatever.”

Chanyeol whistled. “Smooth. Seduce him platonically. That’s the way to go.”

“Shut up.” Baekhyun let his head fall back onto the wood with a thud, pouting. “Cute guys are hard to talk to. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Okay, true, but I’m pretty sure we can agree that cute _girls_ —” Chanyeol’s phone buzzed. He grabbed it, becoming immediately distracted, and quickly replied to whatever text he’d just gotten. “Kyungsoo wants to hang out tomorrow,” he said afterward, setting his phone aside again. “We’re all renting bikes by the river, even though it’s cold as balls out. First we’re getting lunch, though. Which, oh, shoot, I can’t make it to. I have to help my mom with a thing. Have fun.”

Baekhyun looked up again and stared at Chanyeol. Chanyeol stared back.

“Did you just,” said Baekhyun.

“I did,” said Chanyeol. “Have fun, use protection, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“I’ve never been alone with him before,” Baekhyun said, seized with a sudden panic. “What—what am I supposed to do? How do I act?”

“Just be casual. If you’re feeling ballsy, then… maybe hold his hand? And if he’s weird about it, pass it off as a friendly thing? God, this is so backward. Why am I giving _you_ advice?”

“Hold his hand,” Baekhyun repeated, nodding. “Okay. I can do that.”

“And remember: No glove, no love,” said Chanyeol.

“Go away.”

Baekhyun did end up grabbing Kyungsoo’s hand, right as they were walking down the street. Kyungsoo looked at him with his big, owlish eyes, then ducked his head shyly. Baekhyun caught a glimpse of flushed cheeks and a pleased smile. His heart thudded wildly.

 

\--

 

 _Hey, you should show me some of your paintings!! ^^,_ Baekhyun tells Kyungsoo two weeks after the small disaster at the bar. He has trouble resisting the urge to message Kyungsoo when he sees him online.

 _They’re really not that good_ , says Kyungsoo.

_I’m not expecting a fucking Monet, omg. I just wanna see what you’ve been up to!!_

_No, seriously, the ones I’ve made so far are bad. I’ve been pretty prolific lately, though. If I make anything worth sharing, you’ll be the first to know._

_^^_

Baekhyun’s grin fades when Kyungsoo says, _By the way, there’s something I wanted to ask you._ Because the next thing he says could be anything, from “what do you think of Sehun” to “do you still love me,” and Baekhyun’s idiot brain immediately jumps to the worst-case scenario.

Kyungsoo’s next message, however, is just, _Do you know a good obedience trainer? Training Sehun’s puppy has been kind of an uphill battle. Our friend keeps telling us to just do it ourselves, but we don’t really have the time or experience._

Baekhyun deflates a little at the anticlimax.

 _I can recommend the trainer I took Mongryong to,_ he says, _but we didn’t have a whole lot of luck with the more advanced stuff because he’s lazy and kind of dumb, heh. He doesn’t eat things he shouldn’t or poop indoors, but he doesn’t know how to roll over, either;;;;; It’s pretty sad;;;;;;_

 _I’m cautiously optimistic about the puppy’s intelligence_ , says Kyungsoo. _He’s smart enough to have a capacity for evil. And honestly, I’m willing to try anything that might get him to stop eating my shoes._

_Awww. Poor hungry pup, hehehe. You guys should introduce me to your little bundle of joy sometime~_

_He’s not ours, just Sehun’s. I coexist with him and give him food and water sometimes. He pays me back for keeping him alive by destroying everything I love. It’s a very healthy and loving relationship._

Baekhyun chuckles. _Sounds like someone’s not a dog person ><_

 _No, I’m just not a Vivi person, apparently. But Sehun’s so proud of him every time he so much as breathes that you’d think he birthed the thing himself, so I put up with it._ Then Kyungsoo adds, _If you want to meet him, though, Sehun would be more than happy to make it happen. I think you made a good first impression. He asked me the other day if you would mind him calling you hyung._

Baekhyun startles a bit, nearly asking what Sehun’s age even is, but then realizes that’s probably something that was mentioned when he was too busy staring with big heart eyes at Kyungsoo to pay attention.

 _What did you tell him?_ he asks instead.

_I said you’d probably be fine with it._

Then: _You guys really seemed to hit it off. I’m glad. You were an important part of my life once, so I hoped he would like you. It would’ve been sad if he hadn’t_.

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. _I was that important? Really?_

_Of course. I reread those letters a few times after my dad passed away, you know. They helped me a lot. Kind of a bright spot in dark times. So—I should thank you, actually._

Baekhyun types out a quick answer, before he can overthink it and say something stupid or too honest: _You don’t have to thank me for anything. I’m glad I could help, though._

The conversation ends soon after when Kyungsoo excuses himself to make dinner.

Baekhyun’s first instinct is to call Jongdae, who answers with a groggy, “The fuck do you want, Baek.”

“Can I come over?” Baekhyun asks, fiddling with the hem of his T-shirt.

“Depends.” Jongdae yawns. “Is this a booty call?”

“Um. I mean, it doesn’t have to be? We could just—hang out. That’s cool, too.”

There’s a pause. “You okay?”

“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Just kinda restless.” He laughs. “You know how it is.”

“Hm.” Jongdae doesn’t sound convinced. “Look, we can fuck, but you can’t keep—”

“I know,” Baekhyun interrupts quickly. “I know.”

“I know we’re not serious, and believe me, I wanna keep it that way as much as you do. But that doesn’t mean you can use me as some consolation prize when the person you like doesn’t want you, okay? It sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna sleep with you ‘cause you give really good head,” he adds, “but it’s still kinda shitty, Baek.”

Baekhyun sighs. “Sorry. I didn’t think—”

“Yeah, yeah, save it. I’m gonna get in the shower. Come over whenever.”

The call ends. Guilt claws at Baekhyun’s insides. He knows he’s taking advantage of Jongdae, knows he should stop being so selfish and using his best friend like this, but he’s at a loss. Having Kyungsoo back in his life yet just out of reach has rendered him helpless, lonelier than he’s felt in years. He needs to feel wanted. Even if it’s not the right person, or the right kind of want.

So he goes to Jongdae’s, hating himself a little for it.

A freshly-showered Jongdae greets him at the door in sweatpants and no shirt, looking both incredibly put upon and almost frustratingly gorgeous. Baekhyun thinks the world would be a better, easier place if he and Jongdae were actually compatible as something other than friends. Their one attempt at dating only lasted a week, though, and nearly destroyed their friendship and drove them to murder. A miracle they still bothered with each other after that mess.

“My eyes are up here, you know,” Jongdae says, leaning against the doorframe with an infuriating smirk. He has a face that was made for smirking, curving lips and intense gaze and sharp cheekbones. Just like how Kyungsoo, with his heart-shaped mouth, was built for bright smiles.

No. None of that. He’s not going to think about Kyungsoo, not now.

It’s not Kyungsoo kissing him tenderly. It’s not Kyungsoo fucking him against soft blue sheets. It’s not Kyungsoo teasing him, and it’s not Kyungsoo’s name Baekhyun whines pleadingly. He knows this. He’s never tried to imagine it was someone else in bed with him. Baekhyun’s lied to himself about a good many things, but that’s not one of them.

And really, Baekhyun doesn’t often think of Kyungsoo in a sexual context anyway. He won’t pretend he hasn’t—he was a teenager when they met, after all—but his feelings for Kyungsoo were always more pure and whimsical than anything, rooted in fondness and innocent affection. It was hard to eroticize someone he hardly saw in person; easy, though, to adore him, to love him. And that was what Baekhyun did. Loved a little too easily, a little too intensely. Even as adults now, _real_ adults, the way he wants Kyungsoo is still so shockingly innocent.

He doesn’t do this to play pretend. He does it to try to forget about what he can’t have.

When Jongdae’s getting done wiping the mess from both their abdomens, Baekhyun squints at his incredibly nice biceps and mumbles tiredly, “You’re really hot, Dae.”

Jongdae laughs and presses a quick kiss to Baekhyun’s mouth, then says, “You’re a loser, Baek.”

“A loser with a nice ass, at least?”

“And very shapely hips.”

“Mm. I’m okay with that.” He closes his eyes and lets his head fall to the side, taking a deep breath. The sheets really were clean before this. Maybe just washed. “Round two after I wake up?”

“Sure, if you’re up for it. I was gonna order food,” says Jongdae.

“’Kay. I’ll just take a little nap.” Baekhyun feels the mattress shift. “Jongdae?”

“Hmm?”

“Love you.”

Jongdae sighs. “Love you, too. Now go to sleep, Baekhyun.”

He does, despite all the uncomfortable thoughts in his head.

 

\--

 

That first winter, somewhere between Baekhyun holding Kyungsoo’s hand for the first time and Baekhyun returning to Bucheon, they almost kissed.

The four of them drank soju one night at Chanyeol’s because they were least likely to get caught at his house, and a drunk, giggly Baekhyun snuggled up close to an equally tipsy Kyungsoo and kissed him wetly on the cheek. Then the surprised squeak Kyungsoo let out was so cute that Baekhyun laughed and did it again.

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” Jongdae said. “Or gay enough.”

Kyungsoo laughed embarrassedly and leaned against Baekhyun’s shoulder, trying to hide his flushed face. Their hands were clasped together between them, Kyungsoo’s thumb rubbing against the back of Baekhyun’s hand in little circles. He didn’t emerge from his hiding place against Baekhyun’s shoulder for ages, just shaking his head and whining quietly in protest whenever Baekhyun cooed and called him cute.

Baekhyun had forgotten about that. He isn’t sure how.

The more he thinks about it, the more it seems like he and Kyungsoo _had_ been in a relationship. They’d just been too stupid and afraid to realize it at the time, or give it a name. And looking at it like that, he supposes Kyungsoo’s disappearance, which he’d just been reading as a rejection of sorts, had really felt more like a breakup at the time. He _had_ been depressed about it, just like Chanyeol said. And he’d cried, a lot, for an embarrassingly long time before forcing himself to stop and move on. Told himself for a while that it was okay if Kyungsoo hadn’t felt the same way. Said over and over that it had just been a one-sided teen crush that didn’t matter. And eventually, he’d grown to believe it.

He wonders how Kyungsoo remembers it, and if he has any regrets. Baekhyun does. Too many to count.

 

\--

 

Sehun is a good guy, if not a little strange. Serious to a fault at times, but otherwise filled with a boyish charm that makes Baekhyun wonder all over again how old he really is. He doesn’t want to ask, though. He kind of wants to keep seeing Sehun as an inexplicable and ageless entity. It keeps things interesting, at least.

Baekhyun isn’t entirely sure how this happens, but they end up making an afternoon of walking their dogs together and getting tea, because Sehun is a sensible human who doesn’t like coffee, either. Vivi, a slightly antisocial bichon frise, keeps looking at Mongryong distrustfully, keeping both their owners between them for protection from the larger dog. Conversely, Mongryong doesn’t seem to have a care in the world and, as always, is just happy to be there.

“The training’s going pretty well,” says Sehun. “He doesn’t eat shoes anymore. But no matter what we do, he never lets Kyungsoo-hyung pet him. We can’t figure out why.”

“Maybe he thinks Kyungsoo’s a big cat. Though I guess he doesn’t look much like one anymore.” Baekhyun snickers. “His hair used to be longer, you know. And kind of fluffy. Always getting in his eyes. I was surprised he could even see anything. And he wore black all the time, too, like a real emo.”

Sehun smiles. “Yeah, he still does that. The hair got better, at least. Did you know he had an undercut for a while after he got out of the army?”

That surprises a laugh out of Baekhyun. “Really? Man, I can’t even picture that. Was it a good look on him?”

“Yeah. He got tired of the upkeep, though. It’s too bad.” Sehun glances over at Baekhyun thoughtfully. “Speaking of upkeep, wasn’t your hair a different color when we met?”

“Ahh, probably. I don’t really keep track,” Baekhyun confesses, laughing sheepishly and pushing the red strands away from his forehead. “I don’t have to deal with people for my job—outside my department, at least—so the company doesn’t care what I do to my hair. It’s nice. I might go back to black for a while after this, though. Don’t wanna start balding.”

“Mm. Black hair makes you look older, I think. In a good way.” At Baekhyun’s look, Sehun adds, “I’ve seen your Facebook pictures.”

They aren’t even friends on there. Baekhyun raises his eyebrows.

Sehun just shrugs. “I was curious. And kind of worried, I guess. Wouldn’t you be if someone you cared about got back in contact with their ex?”

The word _ex_ feels like a stab wound directly between his ribs with a hot knife. It sounds so casual and straightforward like that, when the reality was neither of those things. Baekhyun finds himself extremely interested in the ground, staring at it fixedly as he says, “Sorry if that’s, uh, weird for you.”

Sehun snorts. “Not really.” He has a mischievous smile. “Besides, you’re taken anyway, aren’t you?”

Baekhyun’s head snaps up so fast he feels a twinge in his neck. His eyes go wide. “I am?”

The smile fades. “You and Jongdae-hyung?”

“I—” Just tell the truth, just tell the truth, just—“It’s complicated. We’re very, uh, on-and-off.”

It’s not completely untrue, but it’s enough of a lie that Baekhyun’s internally kicking himself for being such a fucking coward. He makes a face at the pavement.

Sehun seems to misinterpret his glower. “Oh. Um—I’m sure he’ll come around. He seems to really like you, from what I could see. Does he… know how you feel?”

Jongdae is acutely aware of Baekhyun’s many stupid feelings on the subject of love. So much so that Baekhyun wishes his friend were a little less observant. “I dunno. Maybe.”

“He’ll come around, hyung,” Sehun says again, more confidently this time.

“You’re lucky to have Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says. “I mean—lucky you found each other.”

Sehun gives him a strange look. “Yeah,” he says slowly. “We are.”

 

\--

 

September comes, and Jongdae’s wish for his birthday is to forget how old he is, so they invite everyone they know and all their friends’ friends and go clubbing.

It’s been a while since Baekhyun saw a lot of these people, the women especially: Seungwan and Seulgi and Yiyun, Yerim, Sooyeon. Even Taeyeon, his college girlfriend and eternal owner of his virginity, is somewhere in the crowd. Baekhyun takes care to avoid her, recoiling slightly when their eyes meet.

Lu Han and Yixing try to get him to do shots, either because they’ve forgotten he’s the biggest lightweight in the world or because they know full well and want to ruin his life. He’s already one drink in and doesn’t want to end up blacked out in the middle of the club. He manages to escape when he sees Chanyeol being a terrifying mess of limbs on the dancefloor and announces that he has to go save his friend from himself. No one tries to stop him, probably more than happy for Chanyeol to not be their responsibility.

“You’re gonna put someone’s eye out if you don’t flailing around like an idiot,” Baekhyun says, exasperated.

Chanyeol groans. “I wanna be _free_ , Baekhyun,” he says, slurring the tiniest bit. “You can’t stop m—” He leans in way too close to Baekhyun’s face and squints. “Are you wearing makeup?”

Baekhyun laughs. “You’ve asked me that three times, Yeol. Yeah, I am.”

“Oh. Cool. You look nice.” Chanyeol’s eyes narrow further. “Your pants are, like, really tight though, dude.”

“My balls and I are aware of how tight my pants are, yeah.” Baekhyun grimaces as Chanyeol leans more heavily against him. “You’re only young once, though. Or something. And Jesus, stop trying to knock us both over, will you?”

“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, frowning. He straightens up a bit, swaying in place. “I think I’m drunk.”

“Let’s get you to Junmyeon-hyung, alright? He’ll save you from being a total embarrassment.” Baekhyun peers around until he finds Junmyeon near the bar. He waves frantically until he gets the older man’s attention, then points at Chanyeol. Junmyeon shakes his head. Baekhyun points more emphatically. Junmyeon relents, walking toward them with a look of resignation.

“You owe me,” Junmyeon says, locking arms with an ecstatic Chanyeol.

“I introduced you to your fiancée, hyung,” says Baekhyun. “I don’t owe you shit.”

Junmyeon doesn’t argue with that, because he never does. Just sighs and mumbles something to Chanyeol about finding him a seat somewhere. Baekhyun waves to them cheerily as they walk away.

The exact moment when he becomes aware of Kyungsoo and Sehun’s presence in the club is when he’s dancing maybe a little too enthusiastically with Zitao and Jongdae. When he spots them, he leans in close to Jongdae and hisses, “The fuck are they doing here?”

“I invited them,” Jongdae says, somehow knowing exactly whom Baekhyun’s talking about without having to look.

“Why?”

Jongdae laughs. “Because fuck off, it’s my birthday.” He pats Baekhyun on the ass. “Have fun, don’t just sulk like a loser.”

Baekhyun swears under his breath. When he turns he accidentally catches Sehun’s eye, because that guy’s just too goddamn tall, and swears again. Now he can’t pretend he didn’t see them.

He makes his way over to the couple, grin plastered on his face. His heart jolts a little when he notices Kyungsoo’s gelled hair and collared shirt. He looks so _good_. And, frustratingly enough, Sehun looks even better than usual, too, in jeans that show off his long legs and probably make his butt look fantastic. Baekhyun hates his life.

“Hey! I didn’t know you guys were coming,” he says.

“Not usually my scene, but Jongdae insisted,” Kyungsoo says with a wry smile. “He said he’ll die of old age soon and wanted to see all his friends one last time before he goes.”

“Hyung, are you wearing makeup?” Sehun asks, peering at him curiously. Baekhyun’s face heats up and he opens his mouth to reply defensively, but then Sehun smirks and says, “Nice.”

“Since Sehun’s forgotten his manners,” Kyungsoo says with a pointed look, “I guess I’ll have to introduce our friend. Baekhyun, this is Jongin.”

Baekhyun’s attention is drawn to an attractive man he didn’t notice until now, too preoccupied with resenting Jongdae’s existence to realize anyone else was there.

“Hi,” Jongin says with a shy smile. Too shy for someone that pretty, Baekhyun thinks.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says brightly.

“Kyungsoo-hyung dragged Jongin here with us so I wouldn’t make him dance,” Sehun says with a laugh.

Baekhyun’s eyes flicker to Kyungsoo briefly. He says to Sehun, “Kyungsoo should learn to have fun.”

“Kyungsoo is right here,” says Kyungsoo, “and too sober to willingly make a fool of himself.”

“Well, we’ll just have to change that,” says Baekhyun.

He drags them along and introduces them to the necessary people. Sehun seems to take an immediate liking to Zitao and Lu Han, who love him just as quickly because they’re plastered and because his hesitant Chinese is apparently adorable. Baekhyun also makes sure to introduce Kyungsoo to Minseok, since Minseok has a liver of steel and a knack for getting his drinking partners shitfaced entirely by accident, and he thinks Kyungsoo could do with some loosening up.

“You dance, right?” Baekhyun says to Jongin, raising his voice to be heard over the music.

Jongin looks a little alarmed at first over being separated from his friends, but he gives Baekhyun a tentative smile. “It’s my job. I teach ballet and contemporary.”

Deep voice, kind eyes, dancer’s body. Baekhyun is interested for all of two seconds before he realizes how weird and shitty it would be to make a move on Kyungsoo’s friend. He takes hold of Jongin’s elbow and says, “You need to meet Yixing.”

Job done, he checks to make sure Chanyeol hasn’t gone into a coma, then looks for something to do with his time that will let him avoid Kyungsoo for the rest of the night.

He dances with Yiyun and Seulgi for a bit, all of them being equally over-the-top and laughing at themselves and each other. Then he has a drink with Yifan and his girlfriend. They chat for a minute, but Baekhyun, already buzzed and distractible, forgets the entire conversation after he walks away. He finally accepts a shot from Lu Han and feels the tension leave his shoulders. Another shot and he’s pleasantly warm. The crowd is an ocean and he’s a buoy. His skin vibrates with the music.

After he makes his rounds, Zitao and Sehun rope him into dancing with them for a while—and god, of _course_ Sehun would be a good dancer. Life is fucked like that. Of _course_ he’s graceful and sexy and perfect.

“How the fuck are you real?” Baekhyun says, brain-to-mouth filter already two-thirds dissolved.

Sehun seems to find this hilarious, and laughs maybe too hard at Baekhyun’s disbelief. Probably has a few drinks in his system himself.

Baekhyun disappears back into the crowd, where finds Jongdae again, who must be drunk off his ass if the way he’s grinding on an amused Minho is any indication. When Baekhyun gets his attention, Jongdae lets out a wordless exclamation of approval and plants a sloppy kiss on his mouth. Baekhyun laughs, unsurprised. Jongdae’s always been a flirty and affectionate drunk. It’s how they first tumbled into bed together in university.

“Baekhyun,” he crows, arms draped over Baekhyun’s shoulders. Baekhyun’s hands make their way to Jongdae’s waist to keep both of them steady. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says truthfully.

Jongdae leans in, breath tickling Baekhyun’s ear. “Don’t look now, but we’ve got an audience.”

“Who?”

“Kyungsoo, at the bar.” Jongdae chuckles. “You should ask him to dance.”

Baekhyun feels a pang of unease. He refuses to look toward the bar to see if Jongdae’s telling the truth. “He has a boyfriend,” he says.

Jongdae snorts. “A boyfriend you were practically fucking on the dancefloor two minutes ago.”

Was he? Baekhyun’s club moves have always been a bit notoriously dirty, but he doesn’t remember it being _that_ bad just now. Maybe it was. He loses track of things so easily when he drinks, and he suspects he might be drunker than he thought. And if he was grinding on Sehun, it would explain why Kyungsoo’s watching him now.

“Shit,” he mutters.

“Threesome’s still an option,” says Jongdae. “Think about it.” He kisses Baekhyun on the cheek before backing off, probably leaving to find another victim for his drunken affection.

Baekhyun makes his way dazedly to the bar, though not to proposition anyone for group sex. He finds Kyungsoo, Minseok and—surprisingly—Junmyeon.

“I left Chanyeol with Kibum,” Junmyeon says in lieu of a greeting. “He’s more sober than I am anyway.”

“You lazy shit,” says Baekhyun. He looks at Minseok. “What are you having, hyung?”

“You’d hate it. There’s no fruit.”

“Boring.” He turns to Kyungsoo now, beaming in a way that he hopes says _I didn’t mean to grind on your boyfriend’s perfect ass_. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says in a completely normal tone and with a completely unperturbed smile, like absolutely nothing’s wrong and Jongdae is just a pathological liar who wants to see the world burn. “You look happy.”

Baekhyun’s grin widens on its own, without him having to fake it. “I’m a happy drunk.” He cocks his head to the side. “Still too sober to embarrass yourself?”

“Probably. You’re clearly not, though.”

“I don’t get embarrassed,” says Baekhyun. “Too busy enjoying myself to give a shit. You should try it.”

Kyungsoo huffs. “I know how to have fun.”

“Yeah? Prove it.” Baekhyun holds out a hand, wears a challenging smirk.

Kyungsoo hesitates, then takes the proffered hand. His skin is warm. Baekhyun feels a spark of electricity shoot through his arm, and he doesn’t think it’s static shock.

“Fine.”

 

\--

 

Baekhyun wakes up with a cotton-dry mouth and throbbing headache. Contemplates drowning in the shower, then settles for cleaning the boozy odor from his skin instead. He tries to wash away the lovesickness, too, but only succeeds in making himself smell more and more like soap.

It doesn’t stop. He feeds Mongryong and loves Kyungsoo. Makes bad soup and loves Kyungsoo. Shuts his curtains, takes painkillers, drinks a few liters of water, all while loving Kyungsoo and wishing he didn’t.

He texts twenty “I hate you”s to Jongdae, except he doesn’t hate him at all. He loves Jongdae. Not like that. Maybe he should, though. Maybe they didn’t try hard enough when they were younger, and they’re really meant to be together, and after they realize this all that nonsense about Do Kyungsoo will be a thing of the past.

It’ll be like this: Once his entire body stops revolting against its very existence, he’ll buy flowers and soup—decent soup, a nice haejangguk from a restaurant he likes down the road—and go to Jongdae’s. He’ll give Jongdae the soup and flowers—roses, probably—and tell him he thinks they should date, and Jongdae will probably say no and tell Baekhyun to go home, and then Baekhyun will just stay and yell ballads in the general direction of Jongdae’s window until he gives up and lets him in. They’ll spend the rest of the weekend in bed, where they’ll realize the depth of their love for each other, and everything will be okay and Baekhyun can forget about the way Kyungsoo froze when Baekhyun said he wished he didn’t have a boyfriend.

But no, nothing will erase that. Kyungsoo’s grin disappearing, laughter dying in his throat. Eyes wide. Body going rigid. And Baekhyun tried to backtrack, saying, _No, wait, I didn’t mean—_ but Kyungsoo stuttered out an _I can’t, this is—_ and vanished before Baekhyun could fix things.

He texts Kyungsoo now. _Sorry._ Then he turns his phone off and goes back to sleep.

 

\--

 

Sehun wants to see him. The feeling isn’t mutual, but Baekhyun goes anyway, because he’s a pile of garbage and should at least apologize to the guy whose boyfriend he essentially tried to steal.

When Sehun invites him to their apartment, his traitorous brain’s first thought is that there _is_ going to be a threesome, but when Sehun opens the door he doesn’t have the face of a guy who wants to arrange a spitroast. He looks tired. Unhappy. Annoyed. Baekhyun wants to cry a little, because this is his fault and he’s a terrible person.

They sit across from each other at the dining room table. It’s a nice apartment—not wealthy levels of nice, but tasteful and clean and well-decorated. Nice enough to make Baekhyun feel like kind of a slob. Artwork on the walls and everything. He shifts nervously in his seat.

After a long moment of tense silence, Sehun says, “Kyungsoo-hyung and I aren’t dating.”

Baekhyun stares, mouth hanging open, unsure of what to say or how to react.

“We’re roommates. He made up the thing about us being together.”

“Oh.”

“He said he freaked out when he saw you again and had to make up a stupid excuse so he wouldn’t fling himself at you, or something. He realized he still had feelings for you.” Sehun lets out a long breath. “He’s an idiot. You both are. And now he’s off trying to ‘find himself’ because he’s confused. And an idiot.”

There’s still no way to react to this. Baekhyun chews on his lower lip for a moment, then asks hesitantly, “So why’d you want me to come here?”

“I wanted to show you something.” Sehun stands up from his seat. “Wait here.”

He disappears into another room for a moment and comes back with a shoebox, which he sets in front of Baekhyun. Baekhyun looks up at him for an explanation.

“It’s the letters you sent,” says Sehun. “Kyungsoo-hyung said you didn’t remember what you wrote. Maybe you should look at them again.”

Baekhyun opens the box. The papers inside are all folded neatly. He picks up the first one and starts to skim, but Sehun says, “You should start with May.” Then, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have snooped, but I was curious.”

May is a couple letters down. Baekhyun unfolds it and starts to read.

_My birthday was alright. Hyung bought me a new game—yeah, I know, it’s not your area, I won’t bore you with the details—so I’ve been playing that a lot to distract myself from missing you. It’s not working. Can it be winter again? I wish I could visit in the summer, but my family always travels and they won’t let me skip out just because there’s a cute boy in Seoul. I don’t know if I can make it through the rest of the year like this. I keep thinking about how cute you are and then I get distracted from taking notes and the teacher yells at me for spacing out with a dumb smile on my face, hehe._

_Did I say cute? I meant handsome. And beautiful. Especially your eyes. I really like your eyes and I like them even more when they’re looking at me. (Which they should be doing all the time anyway! What’s that saying? “I only have eyes for you”? I hope you only have eyes for me._ _♡_ _) Your eyes are my favorite feature of yours. What do you like about me, hmm?_

Baekhyun reddens. It’s so much worse than he thought.

He skips to the next letter, where he chastises Kyungsoo for not responding to his flirtations. Then the next, where he insists that Kyungsoo admit to being handsome, with or without glasses, or else Baekhyun will be forced to write terrible poetry about his fondness for various parts of Kyungsoo’s body. The letter after that is filled with terrible poetry.

Then he finds his response to part of a letter of Kyungsoo’s that he reread so many times he almost knows it by heart.

_I’ve been blushing like crazy ever since I read your last letter, you know. I don’t know if I make you even half as happy as you make me. You’re so thoughtful and nice and witty and cute and amazing, and I wish you weren’t so shy, I wish you spoke up more because everything you say is great and perfect and I could listen to you talk all day. You’re my favorite person, Do Kyungsoo. You think you’re cheesy? I can be a hundred times cheesier. If I’m the sun then you’re the stars, because you’re beautiful and light up the sky and you’re always too goddamn far away. I wish we were closer, too. I want to hold your hand and finally kiss you and tell you—well, you know. It would be lame to say it here, so I won’t. I’ll do it when we see each other again._

They hadn’t. Baekhyun’s grandmother went to live with his aunt, so he had no excuse to go back to Seoul, and then university started and their schools were too far away for visiting to be convenient. Baekhyun had never gotten to tell Kyungsoo out loud how he felt. And then the months passed, and he spent the summer on holiday with family, and started to feel so hopeless about their relationship that he dove in and asked Kyungsoo if they could try anyway.

“That one’s his favorite.” Sehun’s voice makes Baekhyun jump. He looks back and sees him reading over his shoulder, which would be annoying if Baekhyun could muster up anything but overwhelming regret. “You can tell. The folds are all worn, like he’s read it a lot.”

“This is so embarrassing.” Baekhyun laughs weakly. “I can’t believe all these dumb feelings and thoughts I had as a kid are all here in a box. God.”

Sehun shrugs. “I don’t think it’s embarrassing. You two… you made each other really happy.” A pause. “Okay, it’s a little embarrassing. But it’s still cute. I think. In a gross way.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. “We just liked the idea of each other,” he mutters. “We hardly spent any time together. It was cute and nice, whatever, but it didn’t—”

“Then spend time with him.” When Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, Sehun makes a frustrated noise. “Is it gonna be like this with both of you? Seriously? You’re all lovesick and gross but you won’t actually try to be with each other? It’s ridiculous. Stop making up excuses and be dumb and in love together. Ugh.”

Baekhyun tries and fails to fight back a smile. “You’re a brat, but he’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

“I know.” Sehun frowns. “Speaking of friends, are you and Jongdae-hyung—?”

Barking out a laugh, Baekhyun says, “Jongdae and I aren’t anything. He thinks I’m gross and I think he’s weird and boring. We used to sleep together. We don’t now.”

Sehun looks skeptical. “I saw him kiss you, though. At his birthday.”

“Drunk Jongdae kisses everyone. You only got away unscathed because he hardly knows you.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe you guys should get together, actually. He likes your butt.” Baekhyun pauses, considering. “I mean, I think everyone who’s ever met you probably likes your butt, so that’s not saying much.”

“Stop avoiding the point by talking about my butt,” Sehun says, looking slightly flustered. “Talk to Kyungsoo-hyung when he gets back. Live happily ever after or something.” His cheeks turn pink. “Anyway, if you wanna give Jongdae-hyung my number… that’s… fine.”

Baekhyun can’t believe his life sometimes.

 

\--

 

“What if it doesn’t work out and we hate each other and this is just a waste of time?”

“Then you get closure and move on?” says Chanyeol. “Find someone else?”

“No,” says Baekhyun, “you’re supposed to say, ‘Yeah, you’re right, it’s not worth it, run away before it’s too late.’”

“I really hate it when you make me be the sensible one, you know that? Why does romance have to turn you all dumb and incompetent, huh?”

“I’ve always been dumb and incompetent.” Baekhyun pouts at the ceiling above his bed. “Love brings out the worst in me. I’m a mess.”

“The biggest mess I’ve ever met,” Chanyeol agrees. Baekhyun glares at his phone. “Have you heard from him yet?”

“Nope.”

“Oh. That’s weird, I—” Chanyeol coughs. “Anyway, I gotta go. Have fun crying, or whatever you do on your days off now.”

The call ends. Baekhyun sighs. He looks over at Mongryong, who’s lying on a rug nearby.

“You’ll love me even if I fuck things up and don’t get the guy, right?”

Mongryong’s ears perk up, but he doesn’t look at Baekhyun.

“Even my dog thinks I’m a loser,” Baekhyun says to the empty room. He groans. “What am I doing. I need to get out.”

He puts on fresh clothes and a hoodie and puts on Mongryong’s leash. The lazy dog seems disgruntled over having his nap interrupted. Baekhyun doesn’t care. Going for a walk feels less sad if he has an excuse to do it, and they could both use the exercise, probably.

He walks. He thinks. About Kyungsoo, and silly letters, and not-so-silly ones. About how Kyungsoo used to see him as something like sunshine, and maybe still does. About Kyungsoo’s frightened eyes. Kyungsoo’s blush. Kyungsoo’s warm and sweaty and trembling hand.

About how Kyungsoo read the letters, full of too much love, and wanted to see him again.

About how Kyungsoo put up barriers between them to avoid confronting his feelings.

About how Baekhyun doesn’t really care anymore if things weren’t meant to be, because there’s still a chance they were, and he wants to find out.

He loops around the neighborhood, then goes back to his building and checks the mail. A fresh collection of unpaid bills. He grimaces, taking the stack in hand and shutting the mailbox. Then he notices something in the stack that’s unlike all the envelopes.

A postcard from Japan. An old vintage one, with Mt. Fuji in watercolors. The message on the back says, _I can’t do it justice like he did. This one is better than mine._ No name. But he knows who sent it. Of course he does.

That same week, he gets a letter. No return address, and the message is short, written on slightly wrinkled paper. On the back there’s a half-finished sketch of a tree with twisting branches, like the drawing was abandoned and the artist decided to reuse the page.

_Chanyeol told me you forgot the feeling was mutual. I’m sorry I made you doubt what we had. I’m sorry I left for so long. Please wait a little longer._

Baekhyun wishes he could tell him not to be sorry. He would text him and say as much, maybe, if he thought Kyungsoo would answer.

A week later, another abandoned sketch. This time it’s a charcoal drawing of two people holding umbrellas on a wooden bridge, staring off in the other direction. The message reads, _I’m sorry for bringing Sehun into it, too. Mostly sorry because I’m pretty sure he finds you attractive, and seeing you two dancing like that made me want to drink a gallon of bleach, and I know I don’t have a right to be jealous but I am._

Maybe Jongdae wasn’t a liar after all, Baekhyun thinks, his heart swelling painfully over the admission of jealousy.

Next week is a bird. With its orange accents, it’s the first one so far with color, and the closest to looking like a complete drawing. The letter is longer, too.

_It’s easier to say what I’m thinking when you can’t respond. Is that cowardly? I think so. But it’s all I can manage right now._

_You probably know this, but officially, no one in the army is gay. Unofficially? If no one is gay, I must have hallucinated a lot of the things I did, which is worrying. Some are things I can admit to. Others are harder. Someday I might tell you._

_At first I looked for people who reminded me of you. That went badly. After my service ended, I looked for people who were nothing like you at all. That went worse. Then I dated a woman who almost had your smile. She was nice, but in love with someone else, which I couldn’t blame her for._

_I wonder how things would’ve been if you’d come back. Or if we’d gone to the same school. Or if I hadn’t tried so hard to run away from everything. I wonder if it’s good or bad that it worked out the way it did._

Baekhyun reads it three times. He realizes at the start of the fourth read that he’s crying, and he doesn’t know why, but once he starts it becomes too hard to stop.

The next letter doesn’t have a drawing.

_I spoke to an older woman outside of a flower shop who knew enough Korean that I didn’t have to struggle with my poor Japanese to have a conversation. She said I looked sad. I told her I missed someone. She asked if it was someone I lost, and I said it wasn’t, I’m just away from that person right now, and not even because I have to be. She told me to get my head out of my ass and go home to you. I thanked her for the advice and bought her flowers._

_I should go back. The anniversary of my father’s death just passed and I didn’t go to see him. And then there’s you, of course. I shouldn’t keep either of you waiting._

_I know I’m still being coy about how I feel, just like you were years ago. And I keep worrying that if I wait until we see each other again, something will happen and it will never be said and we’ll be right back where we started, always missing each other. So it’s a little impersonal this way, maybe, but just in case:_

_I love you. I’ve always loved you._

_Wait for me?_

He grabs his phone and calls Kyungsoo, not expecting an answer but still needing to try.

It goes to voicemail, and he says to the automated message, a little brokenly, “Please come home.”

 

\--

 

He gets a package the next day after work—a large one, express delivery—and he accidentally snaps at the delivery guy, “Is this from fucking Japan?”

The guy blinks, confused and annoyed, nose wrinkled in distaste. “Check the postmark, it’s from here in Seoul,” he says. Then mutters, “Christ.”

The outside of the package says to handle with care, so Baekhyun opens it delicately on the table. When he sees the contents, his heart pounds.

A flat canvas with a painting of fiery red trees lining a path. It doesn’t have any personal significance that he knows of, but it’s beautiful, so beautiful that when he sees Kyungsoo’s signature in the corner he resents him for saying his paintings weren’t very good. Even the drawings, abandoned halfway through, were unexpectedly lovely.

He calls Sehun, and when the guy picks up, Baekhyun skips the greeting and says, “Is he there?”

“Uhh—he was, but he left,” says Sehun. “I kind of thought he was with you?”

“He’s not.”

“Huh. Are you sure?”

“ _Yes_ , I’m fucking sure!” He breathes in deeply, shutting his eyes. “Sorry. I’m just—hey, whose paintings are on the walls in your apartment?”

“They’re hyung’s. He hates it when I put them on display, but I think they’re nice, so I—”

“They are nice, and he’s a liar, and what the fuck,” says Baekhyun. “Why is he—”

The doorbell rings. Baekhyun hangs up immediately. He runs over and hits the button to let the person in, not bothering to check who it is first. His heart feels ready to burst.

It would be funny, he thinks, if it were someone else on the other side of the door entirely. The real plot twist would be that it’s just Jongdae, or Yixing, or his neighbor, and Kyungsoo never comes over, and fate separates them again because that’s just his luck. So when the door opens, he half expects it to be someone, _anyone_ other than Kyungsoo.

It’s not.

Kyungsoo walks in, going still when their eyes meet. Baekhyun says nothing, just stares, hardly feeling like this is real. Kyungsoo shuts the door behind him and steps out of his shoes, equally silent. Baekhyun has to lean against the wall a little for support as he waits, because suddenly he isn’t sure if his wobbly legs can support him.

Then they’re standing face to face, and something in him softens. He smiles. “Hi.”

Kyungsoo smiles, too. His eyes are more beautiful than Baekhyun remembered. “Hi.”

The next words that come out of Baekhyun’s mouth are “I’m not dating Jongdae. The kiss didn’t mean anything.”

Kyungsoo laughs, and it’s the best sound Baekhyun has ever heard. “I know,” he says. “Jongdae kissed everyone at that party. He tried to kiss me, too, actually, but I told him I’d have to beat him up if he did.”

“Right. You did have a fake boyfriend. Those really come in handy, huh?”

“Real ones are better.” Kyungsoo looks guiltily down at the floor. “I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s fine. I’ve done stupid things, too.” Baekhyun huffs out a laugh. “I’ve kissed Jongdae on purpose.”

“You win,” Kyungsoo says with a grin.

“I…” Baekhyun’s breath catches. He clears his throat, lowers his voice. Says as earnestly as he knows how, “I love you. I don’t know if we know each other well enough now for that to make sense, but—no matter how much we’ve changed, I think you’re still you, and I’m still me, and… and the parts of you I loved then are things I still love now.”

Kyungsoo just looks at him with big, adoring, watery eyes. “You know what I always told myself would happen when we saw each other again, years and years ago?” he says.

Baekhyun shakes his head.

“I thought I’d let you confess, because you said you were going to, but I’d interrupt before you were finished and tell you to shut up, and then I’d kiss you. Something bold like that. But what you were saying just now was too nice, so I couldn’t.” Kyungsoo swallows heavily. His voice comes out a little shaky as he says, “Instead, I… You already know how I feel, this is silly. I should be able to say it.” He closes his eyes. “I love you, Baekhyun. I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel as happy as you do. And I’m tired of running away, just because I’m afraid of how much—”

“Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun chuckles. “Shut up.”

He presses his lips to Kyungsoo’s and his heart pounds so fiercely he can barely hear over its insistent drumming. Kyungsoo laughs as he kisses him back, his smile sweet and wonderful against Baekhyun’s mouth.

When they part, Baekhyun says, “You finally showed me your art.” He looks over at the canvas on the table.

Kyungsoo follows his gaze. “I was happy with this one. I was in a good place when I made it.” He turns back to Baekhyun. “Did you change your hair?”

“No,” Baekhyun lies. “It was already pink. You just never noticed.”

Kyungsoo stares, then his features soften back into a smile. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m your idiot,” Baekhyun says with the sappiest, most love-struck grin imaginable.

Kyungsoo leans in and kisses him again. “My idiot,” he agrees.

**Author's Note:**

> Other mentioned pairings:  
> Baekhyun/Jongdae  
> Kyungsoo/Sehun  
> Blink-and-you'll-miss-it Baekhyun/Taeyeon
> 
> The character death does not involve any "onscreen" characters.  
> The vague smut is mostly limited to one scene and is not Baeksoo.  
> The FWB relationship also does not pertain to Baeksoo.


End file.
